Fat old me.
written @ 9:04 a.m. on 2003-07-20

Okay, so maybe part of the reason I feel so crumby is because I got my period, only 2 weeks late, which increase the pain immensly.

Thanks go out to my disease for that.

But really, something did happen last night that really upset me. Took away what little confidence I have left about my self image, and so now I feel even worse.

Thanks go out to PCOS again, and a bunch of fucking bastards for that.

I really don't want to relive it all right now, but what is the point of starting something in here if your not going to finish it, right?

I have PCOS, it is a disease that messes with everything from my weight, to my hormones, to my ability to reproduce. This is a fact, and short of having a hysterectomy, there is nothing I can do about it. And that surgery, would cause a whole lot of other problems, that I am not ready to deal with.

So, since being told I have this disease, I changed my eating habits a little, and lost a large amount of weight, 30 lbs. I have stalled there, but am not ready to give up my favorite carbs completely yet, and so I am okay with that.

So I am overweight, not hugly, or anything, I am still capable of doing all sports, and other physical activities. I am a size 18, which really isn't that big for someone with my disease.

I usually don't think about it too much. People have never treated me differently, and I was still realitivly happy.

Anyways, while walking to Sylvia's house for the gathering of a few friends(I walk everywhere, do't know how to drive), I was verbally attacked by group of the many younger people that are town righht now. You know the ones I mentioned in last nights entry.

They called me every name in book, with fat something attached to everyone of them. There was at least 10, but I think more like 15 of them, just spewing these ugly words and sexually appauling advances at me, all at once. All men of course, which made me feel worse, because most of them were about Peters age.

I didn't know any of them, or even recognize, them. Which was lucky for them, because I used to belong to a boxing/kick boxing club, and if I had know them, I know I could have taken a few of them out, and at that moment I would have.

I mean I look like I could be a couple of months pregnate, but that didn't stop them. They know nothing about me, or that I have a disease.

I know this shouldn't bother me, but it does, it really hurts. I don't know what to do know, should I cry, should I crawl into bed for a week, should I be angry. I just don't know. If feel like disappearing. You know, becoming invisible.

And now I am worrying, because they were the same age as Peter, is this the way he feels too? Does he hate the way I look? I need to go cry now.

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